A few words about rosé. I feel like I should say some things as I am regularly mis-represented when it comes to this particular style of wine.
“You hate rosé.”
“You don’t like rosé.”
“You never drink rosé.”
“Why don’t you like rosé?”
First of all, I have never gotten on the rosé bandwagon. I’VE ALWAYS BEEN ON IT. I was drinking rosé when you were shittin green. Like everyone, I recoiled far away from the White Zin phase of wine-popularity, but that stage of consumerism did more to benefit the wine industry as a whole than any other trend EVER. But we were all drinking real rosé way before this time and ever since.
Many of you have insinuated my lack of interest in rosé partly because I no longer accept rosé samples for the blog. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hey, if you want to throw your rosé into the shipment, knock yourself out. I’ll take it to a party, I’ll give it away, I’ll pour it over my head on Snapchat and get 2000 views but I’m not blogging about it.
Did you know Victoria’s Secret has a rosé bra? Do I need to keep explaining my rosé aversion?
I drink a ton of rosé. However, it is a very narrow band of rosé. Well, narrow to many of you and most of Instagram, but represents a near-limitless swath of the whole rosé world to me and any serious wine person. I drink Grenache, non-saignée rosé. Period. End of story. OK, that was a little harsh. Yes, I drink a little Mourvedre rosé too. Some Syrah and Cinsault won’t kill me either. But that’s it. I don’t want your Pinot rosé. I don’t want your Merlot saignée. It’s all flower-crown bullshit.
So why don’t I post all the rosé’s I drink on my blog and IG with glorious reviews? Basically because of the hype currently. I’m allergic to hype. I do not ride bandwagons. The rosé thing has become such a trend with every Tom, Dick & Harry 2-digit-IQ #influencer, I want as far away as possible. I don’t need these clicks. I don’t want these clicks. You keep your 89% Female 22-34 demographic and I’ll keep my 58% Male 27-49 thank you very much. If you change your drinking habits to ride a wave of clicks, you are not an influencer, you are a follower.
And the glowing reviews. Holy shit please just stop. Apples and berries and grass and quince and blueberry jam and bubblegum and minerality and WHAT?!?!?! Listen, #creator: There are three kinds of rosé. It’s very simple. All the rosé in the world can be broken down into THREE catagories. 1% of the rosé on the planet you should take one sniff of and pour down the drain without taking a picture or adding it to your story or anything. At the opposite end, another 1% of rosé you should savor and cradle and close your eyes and sway and sigh and write breathless tomes about as it transports you places like the finest white wines in the world. THE 98% IN THE MIDDLE?!?!?! Take a picture of it, throw in some ass or cleavage, make sure the sun is glinting brightly off the beautiful glass and bottle, splash it up into the air a bit, type “YASSSS!” and #roseallday into the caption, smile, be happy, and MOVE THE FUCK ON. Do not break down its color and profile. Do not interview the winemaker. Do not insist it is *club only*. It’s not worth anything more. Just enjoy it!
99% of the rosé you drink IS NOT FINE WINE. Stop treating it as such. And to stand there and tell me the winery’s “love your interest in rosé”?!?!? Of COURSE THEY DO! There are few win-win situations in the world and even fewer win-win-win’s. They are giving you their TRASH. It is a BY-PRODUCT. It is fast and easy and an instant cash crop, provides ACRES of basically free label-exposure for the producer’s cabs, chardonnays and pinots, provides lots of clicks for you from your lowest-common-denominator demographic and is hot, hot, HOTTT and FUN! Wait, that’s win-win-win-win. Math is hard.
Show me a winery with a huge rocket-juice 45-day maceration 4.0 5.5 80% new oak 92-point red wine and I will show you a winery with a rosé.
I love rosé. Come over and we’ll drink some.
But it won’t be “pink”.